Captain's Blog Star Date April 4

Do you ever feel like you've stepped into a time warp? Or boldly ventured into a galaxy far-beyond the realms of your birth planet? When I moved to France I was prepared for culture shock, though having spent three years working in a couple of fast-paced ad agencies in Paris, I felt I was pretty much down with all things chic and French capital city-like. What I wasn't prepared for were the odd things that frankly still shock me today. Like (whisper it) pissing in public (men, I mean - I've not seen too many crouching females in my time here). Like dog poo - oh, everywhere. Like the very unnatural, aubergine-purple hair dye beloved of French women of a Certain Age. And like parents who sit in a playground, surrounded by broken glass, watching their offspring play. This was Saturday morning. I took a small child (my own) to said playground. No swings, natch. Lots of broken glass, though. And several parents, smoking for France (puffing on a fag is, let's face it, the French National Passtime), sitting on their arses. How odd. I crouched down and picked up huge, jagged shards of green beer bottle and then stalked over to the nearby rubbish bin. I did it again. And again. And then two other parents got up and followed my lead. I wanted to kiss them. Instead, I smiled and nodded. They nodded back.

So I suppose all is well that ends well. My time here is done. Beam me up, Scottie.